So, my word for this year is contentment.

Can I tell you HARD this word is?

These days, I’m all the more aware of those things in which I’m dissatisfied, and it seems like more things I never would have been aware of are coming out of the woodwork. Go ahead and say, “you picked the right word if it’s difficult for you! God is stretching you!” We’re all thinking it anyway.

But I feel like a crazy, crazy mess. My thoughts are crazy. My responses are crazy. The itch to want more and more and more is crazy. I feel quite unbalanced and feel as if I’m spiraling more out of control, but not in the “God has it” kind of way. In the, “I’m diving head first into the tornado of things I shouldn’t be thinking about or wanting” kind of way.

I think I’m just in A mood today. And do you ever feel like, when you’re in that “mood”, that there is no one to talk to? Even when you know in your brain that you have people you can talk to? I don’t know what I would even talk about… the never-ending list of the things that are causing discontentment in my life? All the things I know in my head I’m supposed to do but don’t seem to feel like acting on? And do I discuss my sorrows and woes until I bore people to death or they become just plain irritated by my whining? Is there ever a point that people are allowed to get sick of walking continuous steps backward with you? And what do you do when you have all the “right answers” in your head but just won’t follow through? (I’ll call it intentional back-walking.) I know that’s stubbornness, or pride, or both. But is there any way to find motivation again? Or will I just continue to feel lost and confused until I suck it up and just start doing *insert thing I should be doing but cannot think of at the moment or do not want to think of at the moment, here*.

Anyway, there’s the update on my one word, and how it is clearly ruining my life.

P.S. I apologize, English majors, for the run-on sentences and that one sentence, or maybe two, that ended with a preposition. My thoughts don’t convey themselves in the most proper english manner, which, I hope, is forgivable. :)

About these ads