Well, with 3 weeks of engagement tucked under our belts, I feel like updating on the process.
I’ve never been the type to really plan weddings. Yes, I have thought about being married since I was probably 5, when I wore my playclothes and a towel on my head as a veil. But I never seriously looked at all the details, owning them as my own.
Now it’s time to start looking at everything… what is needed, all the details. In the beginning I truly wanted to believe that this would be a chill process, that I wouldn’t be like the rest, that I would be the calm bride-to-be who everyone might admire for breezing through the planning.
I destroyed that image last week, on the very first day that we actually tried to start planning. I got very frustrated, and I tried to blame everyone and everything for that frustration. I couldn’t understand why every time we discussed logistics – Mike and me, Mom and me, anyone else and me – I got extremely tense and irritated. I took it to God but still couldn’t seem to understand why the frustration didn’t ease up.
It took a lot of prayer to finally start owning up to the problem. At first I thought it was that I didn’t know what the problem was. Then I realized I knew the problem all along was me, I just hated thinking that was true. Pride told me that I had to cling to the “calm bride-to-be” image and if I took the blame for all the frustration I felt, that image would be destroyed.
Well, I’m destroying it now. I was frustrated because things weren’t going my way. I was frustrated because I wanted to be selfless – my one word for this year – and I only felt more selfish as I got angry over plans (the ones that were acceptable in my mind) clashing with other people’s ideas. Because in reality, I didn’t want to negotiate if other people’s plans didn’t line up with mine. And in reality, I wanted everyone to do everything for me, but I wanted them to do it my way. Especially God… I was head-butting Him more than anyone else, just trying to make sure He wouldn’t try anything funny that might be more than I had bargained for.
It’s been a real lack of trust that has caused all this frustration, and a lot of pride as well. And this weekend, after praying all week, I finally let go and decided I didn’t have to discuss wedding plans all weekend. Because honestly, I have no information to work with so I can’t really make plans. And I just have to trust that the information IS coming and God will make this wedding work His way.
It’s so funny to see how God is working my faith and working areas in which I need a lot of growth through this process. And today, I’m thankful for it – I want to know that I am able to trust Him to do things His way. His way carries a lot more options than the world’s way, and I want to be open to that. There are so many opportunities for Him to reveal His glory as I step back and let Him take over. I can’t guarantee that I’ll have that attitude until the wedding day. In fact, I’m almost positive there will be more days of “kicking and screaming” in my prayers to God. But I know He is good and I know trusting Him provides me with more peace than I could ever have if we were planning this wedding without Him. I want to cling to that.
This past week’s sermon was about coming up with a biblical response to replace our natural instinctive responses. For this wedding, my natural response to planning is to pretend I have it all together, to blame everyone else when things go wrong, but to expect everyone to make everything work the way I had planned. I’d like to think VERY differently in this area, and I found two verses to try to cling to so that I can just let go, let God, and ENJOY this crazy process knowing He is in control of it and He promises:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with ALL your heart.'” – Jeremiah 29:11-13
“Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.’ Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, ‘IF THE LORD WILLS, we will live and also do this OR that.'” – James 4:13-15
God is and will be faithful.