Yesterday was a bit rough for me, dealing with struggles that have a tendency to crop their nasty little heads every now and then, when they should be cut clean out of my life. But what I’ve noticed is that while I’m very good at pointing out certain blatant struggles in my life, I am quite unaware of others. It’s so easy to recognize some of those areas of life where I’m disobeying God. They’re the areas which are mentioned most often in sermons. You know, things like drugs, drinking, lust, impurity, pride, love of money, gluttony, idolatry… if/when I struggle with one of these, I am made aware of it. Quickly. But this morning, I learned of a few other areas where I’m stumbling as I try to recover from my “obvious” struggles, when they occur.
I have a serious problem with coming up with excuses for God as to why I sinned again. My excuses generally circle around placing blame on anyone but myself. I seem to be developing a great deal of bitterness and resentment towards a lot of people I’m closest to, and from this morning’s discovery, I think it may be because I’m placing the blame on them. They are the easiest targets when things go wrong – I hate so much to be wrong that I’d rather come up with a reason why it’s someone else’s fault. And from there, I become upset because I’ve convinced myself that these other people are to blame. I think I’m distancing myself from everyone I love, because I’ve deceived myself into thinking they are out to ruin me, only because I don’t want to believe that I might just be doing it myself.
The blame doesn’t stop there, either. This morning I came up with the excuse that it was God’s fault I was not able to overcome the temptations in my life. I informed Him that not only was it other people’s fault, because they were not doing what they were supposed to in order to keep me from being imperfect, but it was also His (my Authority’s) fault, because His Spirit was not giving me the power He had promised to help me fight the struggles in my life.
I know it drives me crazy when the kids I babysit for blame each other for the things they do wrong, and it makes me more angry if they dare to blame me, the one who is in authority over them, for something they’ve done. What makes me think I can get away with this game with the biggest authority in my life?