I’m being smothered by pride right now.
Pride has been a long-time issue for me… well, it’s been a lifetime issue, I’m sure, but it’s been a long-time-recognized issue. I was made vividly aware of it when I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, who called it “The Great Sin” – the sin of utmost evil. And in this chapter on pride, Lewis describes best what I am feeling right now in this passage:
“In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, ‘How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?’ The point is that each person’s pride is in competition with every one else’s pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise… pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man.”
That is how I’m feeling. I don’t feel like the details of this particular attack in me are important right now, just the acknowledgement that what he described above is what I am feeling to the tee. How do you fix this? I have no idea; I want to scream and kick and retaliate and pull the rug out from under the offending party in any way I can. I can fend it off most of the time, but when it hits like this… quote scripture? Pray a lot? I think I’ve done that, I’m not sure. And I’m trying not to rely on “doing enough” as I get in this mindset of God BEING enough FOR me.