I’ve sort of “left” the blog world this past month, due to the fact that I could never find a focused topic to discuss.  It seems that everyone is capable of finding some sort of pattern to their thoughts, enough to gather them together to create a blog entry that is enjoyable and understandable.  However, whenever I sat down to write a post, and eventually whenever I just thought about a blog post, I began to panic as my many racing thoughts piled on top of each other, all hoping to be chosen as the focus of an entry.  It’s been pointed out many a time that when I speak or e-mail, I tend to include many thoughts, many details, and ultimately, I ramble.  I can’t narrow down.

I think part of my problem comes from a discovery I’ve slowly been making about myself recently.  Before I expand on my discovery, let me explain the thinking behind my blog-writing dilemma as an example.  I am always afraid that when I write a blog, I will not come across as together, witty, and comical.  So many people are so good and just writing their day and I think nothing more of it, but when it comes to writing about myself, I want it to come across well.  I find myself considering who might stumble across my blog… a coworker?  The family I babysit for? My family?  My friends? Which friends?  And as I consider the possibilities, suddenly the topics that come to mind are narrowed down.   She won’t like that.  He’ll think less of me.  She’ll be offended.  They will not think it is a good idea for my to express my true feelings on that.  And as I write… ooh, was that a bad way to put that?  How else could I say it? Should I write more? Should I be more forward?  Should it be vague? What will “they” think?

And therein lies the problem that I have been discovering about myself lately.  That I worry a great deal about what “they” will think. “They” always have a different face, from a close friend to a distant acquaintance to a complete stranger (whose opinion of me actually does not concern me as much as the opinions of those with whom I interact more often). “They” are who I consider when I am trying to decide what to wear, how to act, what decisions I need to make.  “They” are the reason I have avoided this blog.  And “they” probably are not as critical as I’ve made them out to be in my head.  Not that it matters, when in reality it is not their opinions that I need to be taking into account.

And so begins what I am loosely calling “image management”.  If I am able to narrow what I am doing down to one word (which I’m hoping I can) then it will turn into my one word of the year to focus on.  Not worrying about what other people think, or taking them into consideration so much, or admiring what they have and being acutely aware that I don’t have that which I am admiring.  It’s God I want to take into consideration; God whose opinion will matter.  It’s Jesus in whom I want to develop confidence, rather than fighting for a confidence that is grounded on what other people think, and therefore liable to shift and sway unsteadily.

We’ll see how it goes.  I’m going to try to start with little things.  Like this blog entry.  I’m going to try not to read over it and edit like mad until it gives the impression I want it to give.

And I will try to write again soon. 🙂