Our staff is currently going through a new ministry we’ve created called Step 2. It goes through the “basics” of having a walk with God, such as learning to find our identity in Christ, learning God’s character, learning to spend time with God through prayer and reading the bible, understanding intimacy with Him, the importance of community, etc. I highly recommend it if you have a chance to go through it – it’s only 8 weeks long and it is great for anyone with any kind of relationship with God.
And as I was saying, our staff is going through it right now. We just finished Week 2, which discusses trusting God. One of the questions at the end asked, “Where do you have trouble trusting God?”
I thought about this. I thought about moving to Wilmington 5 years ago and how scary it was. But I did trust God enough to do it. And I thought about the decision to date Mike and then marry him. I think that was only possible by trusting God, since I had no clue what I was doing. Really, I thought, big things in my life have made trusting God the only option.
And then another thought crept in. Followed by a whole swarm of related thoughts. A couch bought that would not fit into our home for anything last week. Having to pick out another couch from the same store, only to find out that it would not arrive at our home in time for family coming into town to utilize the bed incorporated into said couch. Which also leaves us going for 12 days with no couch to sit on. Traveling 4 hours to buy furniture, and then finding upon our return that one of the pieces was not the right color. Redecorating and having to find new homes for every object we possess. And then, the kicker… returning to a home for the past week that went from this:
(*The room did not ACTUALLY flip-flop; I took this photo with my computer so it is the mirror image of the room. Which does, in fact, accurately reflect the feeling that our home has been turned inside out and upside down in the process of changing things up.)
Do you know how this has made me? CRAZY!
Okay, I have to admit… this picture is deceptive. It gives you the impression that oh, these things probably are making her nutty, but she realizes that it’s actually quite silly.
Lies. Ask my friends. I’ve been ranting about it, dwelling on it, griping at Mike about it. An accurate picture would be me with an evil look on my face, ripping my hair out or in the process of throwing things. Breakable things.
And in my Step 2 group, I realized I’ve let this get to me more than any big decision. I don’t like when the little things in my life are out of place. What will I learn from an oversized couch? From 12 days with nothing to sit on? From a mismatched piece of furniture?
Upon pondering this, I realized that I have 2 choices: 1) Rant about it and freak out; get angry and irritable until everything is set right and then next time be MORE diligent in getting measurements and ripping open boxes to ensure that the product is exactly as I wanted it, or 2) Allow myself to grow in gratitude, and chill out realizing that it’s NOT THAT BIG A DEAL and there are many other things that deserve way more attention than this.
I’ve started with choice 1. Not trusting God enough to believe that this is okay, that it will be okay, and perhaps that He is simply trying to develop my character by providing circumstances in which I have the choice to let things go rather than cling to the control I’m convinced I have over the little things in life.
Taking a lesson from Step 2 and allowing myself to trust God would be choice 2, and the one I need to choose for the sake of my character, my sanity, and my husband and friends for that matter. Trusting that perhaps this is revealing my desperation for control so that I might be able to change my attitude. And let go. And realize that we found a couch that I think I might like better that will be here soon. And laugh at the college feel of our living room with the beach chairs in the prominent seating location in front of the TV. And stop worrying about the clutter, which is looking 10 times better now that my incredible husband has tackled a lot of it. And therefore stop criticizing my husband for what’s not been done and start letting him know how much I appreciate his hard work in putting together our furniture and cleaning our entire home beforehand – without me asking. (Baby, you don’t know how much that meant to me!)
Yeah… it’s harder to trust God when it comes to control, and the little things. But it’s funny how much more I could chill out and be a nicer person if I did. So, I’ll try choice 2. And trust God.
Mike and the breakable objects in my home will hopefully be able to stop backing away in fear whenever I walk by!