… is very hard. I want to dislike it so much, but if I’m willing to look back, I can see that God has always been the most vivid when I’m surrounded by change, either change happening to me or to others. And, well, if God is vivid, I’m doing okay. I haven’t talked to Him much lately. Just last night I prayed because I know I’m supposed to. Like talking to your spouse because you know you need to, even if you don’t want to. At least you’re saying something.

And then today, change made its presence known. For another two people, but for people who are very present in my life. (It’s nothing bad, it’s just change.) I found myself ducking into bathroom stalls to release the emotion threatening its way up my throat and into my eyes. I’m not pretty when I’m like this, and it can be down-right embarrassing for myself and for the unfortunate person attempting to interact with me when I go off.

But in that bathroom stall, in the midst of tears and nose-running and bundles of toilet paper being used as tissues, I prayed again, and felt like I was really talking, not just reciting. And suddenly I felt relief, which grounded me in the midst of chaos and emotion. The vivid reminder that in all things, God is with me, as He is with anyone who seeks Him, and He is in control. He will fulfill His purpose, but He knows when it will hurt and is with me now when it does.

It’s nice to feel awake again.